For a while now, I’ve been debating with myself whether or not to join the Israeli Opera’s production of ‘Faust’. On the one hand it was a tempting offer on many levels: they wanted me badly and were offering a very tempting salary. Joining this production would have not only filled my pockets up with money upon taking off to New York, but it might have served as an additional mentioning in my resume. More so, it would have given me a chance to just-dance, sending a defibrillating shock to my fading self-image as a dancer.
On the other hand, I’ve been slowly digesting the concept of going away from my family and friends for an unknown period of time. No matter when I return, and how successful I am in achieving my goals – this special period of time, parting from my loved ones and just having a good time with my life, is a one time opportunity. Productions as big as Faust, and hopefully much greater ones, will be pulling up around my corner soon enough, please GD.
This final calculation of interests didn’t come easy to me. After much deliberation and some disproportionate sleep deprivation, I walked over to the Opera and told them that I had decided to dedicate my time to be with my family and friends. Surprisingly – letting go and saying no worked no immediate magic on me, and I couldn’t feel any relief at all. However, as the days have progressed since I said my first NO ever, I can feel a dim relief settling down on my chest, making room for a bit more oxygen to fill up my lungs.
These heavy calculations going inside my head, as serious as they might be, have a very blunt output. Decision making is a process that has at least two phases: Making up your mind – either by feel of heart, instinct or hard rational thinking, and then the simple stage of manifesting your bottom line and communicating it to the world. The Opera’s producer heard a few NOs that week – mine was one of them, and its impact – unknown to me.
The thin meandering line between significance and arbitrariness is has taught me a great deal about not making a big deal out of everything.