Something peculiar happened to me this morning, at class. I was going over “Proud of Your Boy” from Aladdin, with my audition coach, and I noticed I was having doubts. Not really sure what about, perhaps about the idea of going the distance, the possibility of making it. Nobody said this was going to be easy. I hired Eidan’s services to better prepare me for Broadway auditions, and yet I find my self feeling SHY next to him. Yes, shy next to my F’ing audition coach. This doesn’t make any sense to me.

“Why would I be shy in front of this man, who I’m paying”? I ask myself in a psychological orientation. I have a feeling I’m putting a little act of doubt together, and performing it in front of him. As if he is the almighty  auditionner (if not GD himself…). In this psychological imaginative audition – he is auditioning the seriousness of my intentions. His criterion is absoluteness – am I willing to give everything for this dream. Well I have an answer for that – NO. Besides my GD’s criterion is everything but absoluteness.

I insist on doing things my way, and that is the way of broad advancement (did someone say BROADway???). Just as I insist on being more than just a dancer, I insist that I am more than a just a musical theater performer. I share my time doing multiple tasks in different directions: Making money, a living and a fortune, building up my additional dream of becoming a manual therapist, finding my love and enjoying my life. I don’t give 100% to anything. I can do so for a short while, like in an exam period I can MOSTLY study for an exam, but I can’t do this for six months. This has sufficed for West Side Story, for my GPA in my Psychology degree and for the standard of living that I maintain – So this will suffice for my getting my accomplishing my audition expedition and getting into a Broadway show. To put it bluntly – I’ll do it MY WAY.

My therapist once suggested I was faking doubts. He said so about my future plans to go to New York. He offered that when I get scared from being so decisive about something I automatically fake a doubt or a complexity, to calm me down from the exhilarating and mostly scary notion – that there is actually no limit to what I can achieve.

So this morning I had a doubt: The teacher I pay to prepare me for auditions, who’s doing a great job, shared his deep concerns about me not focusing on this endeavor of mine enough. As he said so he used a gesture with his hands – he swung his palms in front of his eyes and forwards, depicting a focused trajectory of sight. To me – that is the worst, being blindsided by one endeavor. As I said, I’m willing to do so locally, like I did in the Mulan auditions – performing my best and making it seem like this is the only thing in the world that matters to me. But in my personal perspective – there is nothing so definite, and it is just not my way to be completely focused on one thing.

So I doubt that I was actually having doubts this morning. No one, not even Eidan can really be that GDly gazer, to whom I can attribute definite knowledge of some truth about anything. As experienced as Eidan is, there is no guaranty that he is right about how I can get into Broadway.

And regarding bluffing my bashfulness in front of him – this requires further analysis. If I know he isn’t the ultimate authority of knowledge about getting into Broadway, what am I gaining from this act of hiding the greater nature of my talents? Why am I making his job easy – giving me directions to fix things that I know very well how to do? Why not really make my money’s worth and start my work with him from the point where I’m bringing out my best – and from there let him take me higher?

There is so much that I can learn from this guy! Still, I might be a little scared to find out how high I can actually climb. This fear of heights, this leaving everyone else down and climbing to the the top, isn’t simple for me at all. Emotionally – it’s  separation. When separating I actually deal with the emotional charge of what it means to go live with the wolfs. To climb up and step away from my family, from that judging gaze which impersonated itself in Eidan’s eyes today. Leaving that gaze behind, the gaze which can judge me, might be the scariest thing I’m doing in this motion of getting into Broadway.

It’s time to refer to my Grandma’s favorite poem and prayer, by Reinhold Niebuhr:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

 

Advertisements